You know those times where you’re at work and everything is going wrong so you turn to your co-worker to vent about how you hate everything. They listen, offer up some advice, or offer to buy you a beer after work.
You don’t get that as a stay-at-home parent.
Finding a sense of community as a stay-at-home dad is difficult. While the number of dad’s staying home to look after their kids has been steadily increasing since 1976, the numbers aren’t huge. In fact, in Canada stay-at-home parents dropped from 1,487,000 in 1976 to 493,000 in 2015. Now spread that number across a country as large as Canada, and it’s not surprising that it’s difficult to find fellow stay-at-home dads.
Because of this, I have joined a number of Facebook groups to get to know other SAHD’s across the world. It was in one of these groups that I started to notice a pattern of re-occurring grievances as well as delights of being a SAHD.
I’ve written before about Why I Love Being a Stay-At-Home-Dad and How I Became a Stay-At-Home-Dad but for this post I wanted to get other opinions, so I reached out and asked fellow father’s what it’s really like to be a stay-at-home dad. Here’s what they had to say.
What It’s Really Like Being A Stay-At-Home Dad
How we describe masculinity and fatherhood is changing. There are a lot of cliches about fathers. Commercials do their best to portray us as ‘bumbling parents’ who get lost trying to change a diaper and panic when mom’s not around. We’re routinely characterized as the parent who tells our sons not to cry, and threatens our daughter’s dates at the front door with a shotgun or pitch fork.
While these portrayals are quickly becoming old cliches, stay-at-home-dad’s are often not even shown at all, so it’s understandable that men wouldn’t have any idea what it’s like. And as I noticed from many of these SAHD’s comments, there is no shortage of opinions about being a SAHD and our worth – a problem, I am fully aware, stay-at-home Mom’s have been facing for decades.
Being a Stay-At-Home-Parent is Isolating
Despite it’s increase in popularity, SAHDs are still a minority and that has its effects.
It has been well documented that being a stay-at-home-mom is isolating, so it should come as no surprise that stay-at-home-dads feel that too. Tim Bonner did a whole article about feeling isolated as a SAHD and John Adams from the UK made a video about social isolation for SAHDs a couple years ago that seems to nicely summarize a lot of the feelings I’ve heard from Dad’s.
Of the seven dads I spoke too, all of them mentioned being lonely or isolated in some fashion.
“It’s isolating. It can be difficult to find friends that are SAHD, and then ones who have kids that gel with yours,” said SAHD Chris Fierro.
“I feel isolated and (like) I’m missing adult time. There’s not as many SAHDs and moms around me,” added Charles Nantz.
Personally, I’ve been home for 9 months now and I’m starting to have those feelings of loneliness creep in. I do my best on a weekly basis to get out and see at least one friend so that I don’t go crazy, and also because I know it is good for Clara to interact with little friends as well. But it’s easy for me to see how I could feel completely isolated after years of being home.
Dad’s Really Care and Are Hard On Themselves
It should come as a surprise to no one that the Dad’s that have chosen to stay home with their kids, really care about them. But what might be shocking to some is that they also really care about their homes and making sure their wives lives are easier when they get home.
“Personally, I want to make it so wife can relax when she gets home. I want all the chores done so we can spend time together without worrying about dishes or laundry etc,” said Erik Peirce, a SAHD from Texas.
They are, however, also really hard on themselves when not everything gets done. I can personally relate to this, as I always feel like I haven’t done enough each day. Perhaps its because the to-do list is never ending, or perhaps all humans are just inclined to be hard on themselves.
“I have really high expectations of myself. My wife is an RN so when she gets off a 12 hour shift, I want things perfect and anything less I get disappointed in myself,” said Nantz.
Interacting with Society
When it came to talking about how stay-at-home-dads are treated in their different cities/towns most of the SAHDs agreed that they were treated differently. How different depended on the area.
“I think the biggest thing I’ve learned is the social conditioning aspect of SAHD vs SAHM (stay-at-home-mom). In our culture, women are groomed since toddlers to be the ones to nurture and stay at home. They got barbies and baby dolls and even cartoons aimed at girls were focused in the home. It wasn’t something fathers were groomed for. Now that we father’s have that mantle, we have a lot of trouble adjusting, as does society. It’s not impossible, but something we have to consciously make enjoyable,” said Peirce. “They don’t want to see us as weird/unconventional, but that’s what they’ve been inculcated to think. It’s social engineering. I’m still adjusting. I even came from child care and child advocacy/social work, but damn it’s difficult.”
One stay-at-home Dad who preferred to remain anonymous had this to say about societies perception of him. “I would echo the lack of adult interaction and social loneliness aspects (as negatives of being a SAHD), as well as the lack of social respect. People are always asking me when will I get a “real job” or go back to work and often when I tell people I stay with the kids, I see some derision in their eyes because people are used to stay at home moms, but are much more familiar with the concept of the “bumbling dad” like Mr. Mom, Homer Simpson, etc.”
Sumner Stone from Massachusetts added, “There is a shift, in the thinking and attitudes of others when you say you stay at home, as if you somehow you couldn’t make it.”
The guilt of not working is something many dad’s said they felt. More than one said they go back and forth in their brain about whether they should work or not. One dad was even taking night classes so he could take on a trade for extra money.
Josh Kafka lives in a rural town and said he struggles with what’s perceived as a more progressive idea. “Socially, I’m looked down on quite a bit, especially since I live in a rural area and the gender mindset is stuck in 1962.”
A number of the dad’s said interacting with stay-at-home-moms was difficult, as they are often excluded from Mom groups and Mom activities, but Nathan Jones from Oregon said his years of experience have helped him.
“My years have produced a confidence in me, and I no longer care if women judge me or exclude me.”
Psychological Effects Of Staying Home
Studies into stay-at-home Dad’s are hard to find (leave a note in the comments if you’ve seen one!) but a 2008 study by the University of Texas looking into the psychological well-being of stay-at-home Dad’s, found that Jone’s attitude towards parenting is fairly common and on the whole Dad’s that stayed home were content with their new role.
“The results of our study offered a very positive representation of changes in gender roles and parenting,” said Dr. Aaron Rochlen, a counseling psychologist in The University of Texas at Austin’s College of Education. “More people are doing what makes them happy and determining what’s best for their families rather than worrying about society’s expectations. An increasing amount of men are shifting their ideas about what it means to be a ‘provider’ and most of those we surveyed seemed very content in their new role.”
It’s Rewarding
While many stay-at-home Dad’s – and Moms too – can have negative feelings about their role, the overwhelming majority felt it was incredibly rewarding. One respondent from the University Of Texas study said “There is not a day that it feels like I go to work. I still feel like I’m getting away with something. There’s such sweetness to that…these are very pleasant days.”
The Dad’s I spoke with felt a great sense of pride in helping shape their kids lives and felt their role in doing that was incredibly important.
“The reward is seeing changes in your children knowing you played a part in it,” said Nantz. “For mine it was behavior issues. He started improving and I felt like all the frustration and effort was worth the headache.”
Kafka said “I get to work with my kids, see them grow and spend a good amount of time with them,” while Rupert Vaughan said “It’s rewarding and directly impacts your kids.”
Final Thought
In the end being a stay-at-home Dad – or a stay-at-home mom – will have its ups and downs just like any job. How you deal with those and how they affect you, will have a lot to do with your mental attitude. Make sure you take time for you and try to remember not to be so hard yourself. And if there are times where you’re really feeling isolated and alone, reach out to other parents online. I’ve also got your back. Feel free to send me a message on Twitter or Facebook.
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