There is nothing harder than dealing with the sudden and unexpected death of someone in your family. Grief is a powerful emotion and can become all encompassing. Parenting is hard enough on its own, but doing it while also living with the grief of losing a child can become overwhelming. My guest this week is Jason from the blog They Call Me Dad. Jason’s post focuses on how to journey alongside your kids during tough times and helping kids cope with grief.
Life can be hard. Like, really hard sometimes. I don’t know your set of circumstances, but sometimes life gives us things that are difficult to deal with.
For me (and my family) it was the stillbirth of our third child. It completely rocked my world. Everything that I thought I knew, I started to second-guess. It wasn’t just me either, my kids were greatly impacted from the loss of their brother as well. We all face difficult life circumstances, and kids (unfortunately or fortunately) are not exempt from those tragedies. Facing your own difficulties is tough enough, but learning to journey alongside your children during those moments is one of the more difficult things you’ll ever have to do.
Maybe your life circumstances are different than my families experiences. That’s okay. One things that I’ve learned in my own journey is that grief and loss looks different for each of us, and we all have similar underlying themes surrounding these crappy moments. I’m not a child psychologist, but kids and adults deal with things differently, and there are also similarities to what we both need.
So how do we journey alongside our children when they are dealing with tough times?
Take Care of Yourself
There’s a reason this is number one. If you aren’t taking care of yourself, you won’t be able to take care of anyone else. There’s a lot of metaphors that we could use here, but let’s go with a bank account. If you are only taking money out of the bank, eventually you’re going to be broke. Make sure you are making regular deposits in your account. That might mean getting some additional supports to help you through the crappy times. Sign up your friend and family network, your church network, your neighbourhood network, anyone that is willing to help out in the tough times. Make sure you are not just taking care of the physical side of you either. You’re more than that. Seek a counsellor to help you work through the tough stuff if you feel stuck.
You don’t have to be 100% (I mean…you’re a parent…are any of us 100%??), but make sure you carve out a few moments just for you. That includes talking nice to yourself!
Be Present
It’s important to take care of yourself so that you can be present in your child’s pain. This is going to look different for every adult and every kid. Be there. And when you say that you’re going to be there, make sure you show up. Put the phone away. Put aside the distractions. Show up and let your child know that you are fully there for them within that moment. You won’t always have the right words to say to comfort your children, and that’s okay. Your presence is enough. After all, life is ridiculously beautiful. Life is so ridiculously hard.
Lean In To Emotions
Most of us are terrified of “dark” emotions. We don’t like being sad, angry, upset, or in the midst of grief. Whenever our kids would talk about how much they miss their brother, my first instinct was to run and hide. I don’t always want to go to that dark place, however, I know that in those instances, my kids need me there to lean into those feelings. To feel all the feels with them so that they can process what’s happening through their minds. So when your kids talk about what’s causing them pain, lean in to those moments. Help them to label what they are feeling (is this a big sad or a little sad?). Ask questions about where they are feeling their emotions in their bodies. Whenever you get the urge to tell them what they are feeling, ask a question instead.
Do Something!
Most kids (actually…most men as well…) are not going to sit still for you so that the two of you can have a good-ole-heart-to-heart. So, go do something with them. Go for a walk, do some colouring, play house, get them to help you make supper, do something. When we’re engaging in other activities it can be less awkward to have some of those tough conversations. There’s less need for eye contact, and we never have to worry or think about what to do with our hands.
Share Your Feelings
It was about 6 months after we lost our son and we were sitting at the supper table, eating. My son looked up at me and asked me why I was never sad about losing Ezra. Truth was, I was brutally sad. I just tried to never cry in front of the kids. What my son was saying to me in that moment was that I could be an example of how to handle tough emotions. I had two options, I could hide in the bathroom and wipe my tears away, or I could share them with my family. My son needed me to share how I was feeling with him. How our experiences were impacting me. (Note: You know your kids the best, so you’ll have the best idea of what they can and can not handle. Your kids are not your therapist, so please make sure it’s age appropriate!)
Every child is going to react different. Every parent is going to have a slightly different style. That’s okay. There is no right way to do any of this. It hurts to watch your children struggle. It’s painful to journey alongside them as well. You wish you could take all of their pain and load it on to your shoulders. But we can’t. So give yourself some grace and compassion. Give your kids some of it as well. You’re doing a great job already!
Jason Dykstra is a dad of four (three living), husband to one, and helper to many. Jason is a conflict management and leadership development specialist and has been chronicling his families journey over at They Call Me Dad. You can find him on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter to chat more or download his free eBook – Things They Don’t Tell You About Grief.
Read More: The Meaning Of Being A Dad
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