Dashing Dad After Dark: Can Married Couples Handle Opposite-Sex Friends?

Welcome to "Dashing Dad After Dark," a special segment on my Instagram stories where we dive deep into your anonymous questions, rants, and stories. If you haven't yet, check out the latest highlights on my Instagram to get a taste of what this is all about.

The beauty and curse of Instagram is its brevity. While it's perfect for quick exchanges, it often leaves much to be explored. That's why I've decided to bring some of these discussions here to the blog, where we can delve deeper into your submissions and offer more comprehensive advice. As always, your feedback is welcomed in the comments.

Flirty Past, Platonic Present

"Can married people have friends of the opposite sex? They are friends from high school and have platonic conversations in DMS, never anything inappropriate. Is this acceptable? Does the answer change if there was feelings/flirting back in high school?"

-Anonymous

This question comes up a lot: Can married people have friends with the opposite sex? It’s a question that doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all answer because the context of each friendship and marriage is unique. One submission this week was about a friendship that’s been around since high school, with platonic conversations through DMs, and nothing inappropriate. But, the question goes deeper: Does it matter if there were feelings or flirting back in high school? 

Full transparency, I have a number of friends who are women. For my entire life, I have found I always got along better with women. In fact, for most of my professional career before being a stay-at-home Dad, I worked in predominantly female teams in PR, marketing and communications.

So, here’s my take: it depends. I know that’s probably not the answer you were looking for but hear me out.

1. Trust and Transparency Are Key: The foundation of any relationship is trust. If both partners are open and transparent about their friendships, there’s usually less room for misunderstanding or insecurity. In the case of high school friends with platonic interactions, if everything is above board, open and honest, then this friendship can be perfectly fine. It’s essential that both partners feel secure and comfortable, knowing the other isn’t keeping anything hidden.

2. Consider the Context of the Past: Now, does the history of feelings or flirting change things? It could. If there were romantic feelings, dating, or flirtations back in high school, it's worth considering how that dynamic might still affect the friendship today. Are there lingering feelings, unresolved emotions, or old sparks that could resurface? Even if it’s just a platonic friendship now, honesty about the past and how both parties have moved on is critical. For some couples, past feelings might not matter because they trust that it’s purely a friendship now. For others, it could be a trigger for discomfort or insecurity. The answer to this really depends on the individuals involved and their ability to communicate openly about any concerns.

3. The State of Your Marriage Matters: How strong your marriage is plays a huge role in whether opposite-sex friendships work. If both partners feel secure, loved, and valued, a friendship from high school is less likely to pose a problem. On the other hand, if the relationship is going through a rough patch or lacks communication, this type of friendship could stir up feelings of jealousy or unease. In that case, it’s less about the friendship and more about what might be missing in the marriage.

4. Setting Boundaries: Healthy boundaries are essential. It’s important that both partners feel comfortable with what those boundaries look like. Are the DMs casual check-ins, or are they long, personal conversations that you might hesitate to share with your spouse? The intent behind the conversations matters. As long as the friendship remains respectful and both partners are aware of what’s going on, it’s easier to navigate. If past feelings create any tension or discomfort, it might be time to establish new boundaries that protect both the friendship and the marriage.

Unfortunately, it’s not black and white. So, can married people have opposite-sex friends? Yes, under the right circumstances. But the real answer depends on trust, communication, and mutual respect. If both partners feel secure, boundaries are set, and the friendship is truly platonic, there’s no reason it can’t work. However, if past feelings or unresolved emotions are involved, it’s crucial to have an open discussion and be honest about where everyone stands today.

What’s your take on opposite-sex friendships in marriage? Do you think it’s possible, or do old feelings always complicate things? Let us know in the comments!