Dashing Dad After Dark: Balancing the Mental Load - Matt’s Perspective

Welcome back to "Dashing Dad After Dark," where we tackle your anonymous questions, rants, and stories. If you haven't yet, check out the latest highlights on my Instagram to get a taste of our discussions. Today, we're diving into a topic that hits home for many: the mental load that often falls on mothers or the primary parent.

"I feel like I'm carrying the entire mental load for our family. From remembering doctor's appointments to planning meals and managing the kids' schedules, it's all on me. My partner helps with chores but doesn't seem to grasp the bigger picture. How do I get them to understand and share the responsibility?"  

—Anonymous

Ah, the mental load. It's like being the CEO of Household Inc., except you don’t get paid, there are no stock options, and the board meetings happen at the dinner table with macaroni art. I get it, and so do many others out there. The mental load is all those invisible tasks that keep your household running smoothly—think of it as the iceberg under the tip everyone sees.

First off, you’re not alone. Many Moms and stay-at-home-parents feel like they’re juggling flaming swords while riding a unicycle. Your partner helps with chores, which is great, but the mental load is more than just doing tasks. It’s the constant thinking, planning and worrying about all the little (and big) things that keep life ticking along. Appointments, groceries, meal planning, not to mention all the personality development of each of your kids and their relationships with family, friends and each other. It's exhausting.

Here’s the thing: communication is your secret weapon. I know, it sounds cliché, but hear me out. Have the conversation with your partner, you know the one you’ve been avoiding because you can’t handle one more thing on your plate and by the time the kids are asleep and you have a moment to talk with your partner the last thing your brain can handle is a difficult conversation. But carrying the resentment is too much, we need to let it out and not when we’re frazzled or mid-crisis, in a time where your partner has the opportunity to provide support and connection. Explain what the mental load feels like—how it’s not just about doing, but about always being on and how that feels both physically and mentally.

Checking in on a weekly basis to see how you and your partner are best able to support each other during the week, as well as planning opportunities for connection can do wonders. Sometimes that can look like recognizing that each of you is at max capacity which can allow you to give each other space and compassion for each other when you aren't able to show up as your best selves.

This planned communication can also help break the myth that your partner is a mind reader. Sometimes we can assume that our partners can see the chaos in our heads. After all, they're your person they "should just know!" Unfortunately, that's just not the case, so I suggest trying to spell it out without making it sound like a long list of complaints about how much they suck. Something like:

"Hey I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed trying to organize all the family logistics, can we figure out a way to balance this better together?"

And hey, it’s okay to make this approach work in whatever way is best for you and your partner. Maybe you need to turn it into a game or use a shared app where you both can update tasks and reminders. Think of it as co-managing Household Inc. with weekly strategy sessions. It’s all about finding what works for you as a team.

Throughout all of this, it's also important to remember to appreciate each other’s efforts. A little “thanks for handling the grocery run” or “I noticed you scheduled the dentist appointment, nice work” can go a long way. It’s about creating a partnership where both feel valued and less like one is drowning while the other is on a leisurely paddle.

If things still feel lopsided, don’t be afraid to bring in reinforcements. Sometimes, an outside perspective can help, whether it’s a counsellor or even reading up on strategies for better household management. The goal is to lighten the load and make it feel like you’re both in this together.

So, hang in there. You’re doing an amazing job, and with a bit of teamwork and a lot of communication, you can share the mental load more evenly. And remember, it’s okay to ask for help. After all, even CEOs have a support team.

Cheers,  

Matt