Shit, I've Been Diagnosed With ADHD ... This Explains So Much

The irony of writing a blog post about ADHD is all the ways ADHD is preventing me from writing this blog post. I get distracted, I’m not motivated, and I get overwhelmed by the work required. 

For a majority of my life I never for one second thought I had ADHD. It was not something that was on my radar at all. 

After my Dad was killed in 2006, I started therapy and I’ve been in and out of some form of therapy ever since. I’ve been medicated for depression and anxiety and was on an SSRI for more than 5 years. At no point did I think I had ADHD. And more importantly, at no point did any of the doctors or therapists I talk to think I had ADHD. 

Then I joined Tik Tok.

It may seem like a silly way to lead to a diagnosis, and maybe it is, but it was Tik Tok videos about ADHD that lead me to looking into if I could have it. I related to almost every single one. In videos where people with severe ADHD would show coping mechanisms, I’d go “fuck, I’m doing all of those things right now.” 

However, I still wasn’t motivated to look into it. After all, I had made it my whole life living like this, I didn’t feel like a diagnosis was going to change anything. It wasn’t until I discovered that ADHD medications could help with feelings of anxiety - of which I had an overwhelming amount of - that I decided to talk to a therapist about it. 

After an initial assessment, it became clear this was something I should get tested for. The only issue is that publicly funded testing where I live has a waitlist of years and private testing can cost north of $3000. 

My wife's company benefits would be able to cover a portion of it and after much research, I believed it was important enough to invest in the testing. 

The test itself is in person and takes several hours. It’s incredibly hard not to feel perceived and judged during the testing process because…well you are being perceived and judged. I had a really tough time with getting answers wrong and it turns out that’s a symptom. I discovered I actually have a high aptitude for solving math equations as long as they’re given to me verbally (I have believed for my entire life that I’m bad at math. My school math grades can confirm) and that long task lists result in greater errors.

After the exam, I was able to provide all of my school report cards - shoutout to my Mom for saving them all! And all of that information together helped lead to a diagnosis.

Well, actually there was one more piece that led to that diagnosis.

On the day I was supposed to go meet with my therapists to review the results … I forgot. I was actually at a play center with my kids.

My therapist called and asked if I was coming, I apologized and said I was not as I had completely forgotten. She said, well I feel fairly safe in telling you that that is because you have inattentive ADHD. Lol, there couldn’t really have been a bigger indicator in that moment.

Inattentive ADHD is defined by lack of attention to detail, trouble staying focused, spaciness, forgetfulness, easily distracted and difficulty sustaining mental effort. It’s why I’m powering through this blog post as quickly as possible and will edit it on another day. 

Inattentive ADHD was not even recognized as a subset of ADHD until 1995 and regular testing and medication have not been widely accepted until much more recently, so it’s really no surprise that I wasn’t diagnosed as a kid. Or even for much of my adulthood. 

Living with ADHD

Since being diagnosed I have started medication and working through tools to help myself. Perhaps the hardest part, however, has been living with all of the “what ifs” that come with a late diagnosis.

What if I had been diagnosed as a kid? What if I had been able to stay focused on that one job? What if I hadn’t made those easy mistakes on that one project? Etc. etc. 

Going through your past history and recognizing where and why ADHD affected you creates a whole range of emotions. You have more understanding and forgiveness but also a lot of frustration over the fact that your brain has had to work two or three times as hard as other people just to do the same thing. Couple that with the fact I’ve lived with Diabetes my whole life and no wonder my brain constantly feels overwhelmed and I get massive anxiety. 

There’s also the fact that ADHD is hereditary. So once you recognize it in yourself, you start to recognize it in your family. This increased self-awareness makes you hyper-aware of what’s happening in your own head, but also how unaware friends, family and/or coworkers are. This creates another layer of complication in relationships, especially if other people aren’t receptive to hearing or thinking about their mental health. 

Medication 

Medication has been a huge help for me. Within 48 hours of starting on Vyvanse, my wife said I was a completely different person - and I certainly felt like one. I was suddenly able to get up and do all the things on my to do list. I could stay focused and was motivated to actually complete the tasks no matter how mundane. Additionally, where I had traditionally had a lack of energy to do things, I suddenly had much more energy. Vyvanse is, after all, a stimulant.

The side effects of this however, were the crash that came when the vyvanse wore off. For me I find it last between 7 and 8 hours on my dosage, and when it wears off I can become quite exhausted. Especially if I have pushed myself to work particularly hard on something. Additionally, I’ve also noticed an increase in my irritation. I much more irritated by minor things and inconveniences. As I write this I have a meeting with my doctor scheduled to discuss this. 

Ultimately I don’t regret my diagnosis. I don’t think it’s ever a bad thing to understand more about yourself and how your brain works. The changes and complications that come along with that are things I’ll work through and I have no doubt that I will come to a place with medications and tools that will make me a better and happier version of myself. 

And remember how I said ADHD is hereditary? Stay tuned for the post about my daughter's diagnosis and what that has looked like.